Tah-na (Old sign: Cancer) Spring brought the green of fertile promises. Now the Solstice is coming. This Solstice will challenge your resolve. Tane’ is always eating away at you making you bothersome to be around. Take time to do nothing, not merely relaxing but doing nothing. Pare down your responsibility to basic respiration. Talk with friends and make sure to listen! Due to the enormous pressures on your star chart this cycle, you fart and talk frequently about yourself and your own interests. Take another’s perspective rather than seeing people as another paycheck. Take a hike. Lose your keys. Hitchhike home. Break into your own house.
Maru-Tuk (Old sign: Leo) You are usually highly logical but this lunar cycle will make you unusual and illogical. Remember to go to playgrounds accompanied by children. Your own children, preferably. Or grandchildren. Aunts and uncles, go if you must but don’t make a habit of it. Older cousins bugger off! Drink plenty of fluids. Your activity level is very high right now, and there’s no telling what would happen if your blood sugar dips. You may fall in love briefly this month and it may last depending your ability to answer their questions.
Kah-Noom (Old sign: Virgo) It’s time to get yourself down to the river. Walking is okay, but floating on the river is better. Any craft will do. Remember your life preserver. You are the artistic one in the family; share your gift this cycle. You will be surprised by the results. Make sure to appreciate the beauty of entropy in all its forms. You may just find acceptance yet. When was the last time you donated to public radio? You broke the handle off of your last NPR mug. Isn’t time to support listener-supported radio again?
Hih-fes-tuhs (Old sign: Libra) Hephaestus is feeling spry again this Spring and he should lead you to spectacular successes and humiliating defeats in love. Cheaters will have a reckoning, both in the bedroom and at work. Make sure you use protection. Whatever crazy-ass person you are dating right now will not agree to an abortion. Despite your wounds you are resolved to give your all on the job. You will ensnare the cheaters and the phonies in an adamantine net of justice. You will feel important this Solstice. Remember to stand tall, your gamey leg notwithstanding.
Ter (Old sign: Scorpio) The balance of justice is askew, and you feel as though the whole world order is crumbling into chaos. You may not be wrong. But it could be gallstones. Why aren’t other people seeing it the way you do? You’ve tried to warn them. Jupiter opposes the Sun at the end of the month, so try to bring order to your life in a new way this cycle. Commit to meals-on-wheels or a Bowflex. Your life has been so-so lately, so maybe it’s time for a mental health day. Get into nature; get drunk several times with friends. Be a social justice warrior at least twice during the full moon. />
Shang-te (Old sign: Sagitarius) A glass of ice water stands unattended in the room. The ice melts and the glass sweats. You are missing your chance at a cool drink. Seize the beverage! Sip it. Enjoy the refreshment. Enjoy the peace of young summer. The moon will swell in your favor this month. That new promotion. That new car. That spouse to be. Stay vigilant and shrewd. For this month you are doing a full-time shift in your wheelhouse. Use it well. You remember how you get during the late Autumn and early Winter. You will be a shitshow again. Try to make friends with a stranger.
Gih-Na-Sha (Old sign: Capricorn) Your mind is foggy from the dewy Spring. You have become overgrown with weeds and blackberry brambles. Time to knock the rust of the chainsaw and get cutting. The demons are closing in this month. But hang in there! There’s a good chance the demons will get you but you probably won’t be damned forever. Often times they will just use us as mortal instruments to interact with this plane of existence and then move on. You can’t be held responsible for that. Just notify your local authorities. Demon rampages are a fact of life. You will be all the wiser for it. If it weren’t for that old injury you may have made it on the A-Team. Consider Plan-B.
Hahp-E (Old sign: Aquarius) Stick with that new thing even though you feel like quitting. Always abandon babies at an appropriate baby abandonment site. Don’t just leave them in a bathroom stall at the county fair. Maybe you are forgetting something. Take the time to check twice. The baby back there was a metaphor; so was the county fair and the stall at the fair. Just make sure you raise those children up right. I don’t need your babies murdering and thieving someday. This spring you were up to your neck but the high water has subsided now. Again take the time to check twice. Maybe you can remember what you forgot.
Hehk-eht (Old sign: Pisces) There may be manifold temptations this cycle but resist the urge to be self-destructive, for now. You have been exceedingly passionate about the task ahead of you but you need to conserve your energy for the final push. Remember how you didn’t do that on the volcano science project in the eighth grade and you got an F? I thought we were past this frenetic behavior, but, it is not your fault. The opposition of Jupiter to the Sun is weighing upon the Moon and making your labors long and painful. Revive an old idea this Summer. Listen to an album you haven’t heard since you were a kid. Listen to the whole thing.
Kah-le (Old sign: Aries) You can fight every asshole in your life during any other month but this June. In this one patch of time, you will not win. Puncher’s chance in most cases, not so this month. You will be humbled and humiliated if you think you can be an army of one. The stars are against you. The planets are against you. Drink a bottle of wine all by yourself and listen to Otis Redding in the dark. Change is gonna come. Then you can go back to marching toward every bayonet. Time to lay low. Time to make plans for when the time comes to strike out again. You are a snake coiling in the night. You are the horn of the ram.
Ah-Naht (Old sign: Taurus) Expect another month or two of going it alone. In your line of work, you can’t depend on anyone but yourself to see the job through. You are wilful and rapacious in this lunar cycle. The tidal forces are working on your frontal lobe and you do not have the self-awareness to know that you are being an asshole. Do something nice for a friend or your partner, “just ‘cause.” Avoid sexual encounters during the full moon this month. The readings of the ascendant suggest inauspicious mating. Such malignancy can poison a relationship, especially a young one. There will be someone to help you in the dark hours. Accept their help. Be gracious about possible emoluments.
Eh-shu (Old sign: Gemini) You may be on the run but that doesn’t mean you have to live like an animal. Get a mani-pedi or a tugjob. Dying the little death always helped you through rough times. This summer will be tumultuous starting with an eerie Solstice. You don’t have to like it but you don’t have to waste it. Make sure to sacrifice something on the morning of the Solstice. If you do not make a worthy sacrifice you will get kidney stones. Can we talk about what you’re running from? You deserve asylum. Last time Mercury was in retrograde you almost lost your mind. Make sure you have an emergency stash of medication.